UK Truck Simulator
There’s a moment in UK Truck Simulator (UKTS) which personifies the game as a whole. When using the ‘cinematic camera’ (if there is one image which ever demanded a cinematic camera angle it’s that of a large truck meandering down the scenic stretches of the A1) your view will occasionally be directed to the driver sitting behind his wheel, his facial expression one more motorway mile away from a paracetamol and vodka cocktail. Yet the road keeps going and he keeps driving, hoping desperately to one day make a profit on just one job, or at least get home to see his family. Now it’s your turn to delve into this thrilling lifestyle!
If you intend to play UKTS then you better love driving because as the title suggests, you aren’t going to be doing anything else. Oh and not just driving but motorway driving, you know, the least interesting kind. A quick journey from Sheffield to London will take about 30 minutes in real time, most of which will be spent holding down the forward key and occasionally taking on some long, obtuse turns. This will allow you plenty time to catch up with today’s tabloids and learn about the girl behind the glamour model, or contemplate just how many other things you could be doing at this time.
It’s not just motorways though! As the box exclaims you can ‘explore’ a variety of famous UK cities from Edinburgh and London to the always enchanting Grimsby. Excited as we were to take our slow, awkward hulk about the streets of our nation, our frothing anticipation received a gut punch to the loins when we realised that each town basically consisted of a ring road with one alley leading to a thrilling depot with a consolation local monument thrown in, or in the case of Sheffield a consolation crane.
The roads themselves are shockingly devoid of traffic. Sure a fair number of cars and trucks sidle past but nowhere near enough to challenge your ‘pressing the forward key’ skills. There are also on the spot fines from the omnipresent yet invisible fuzz for running red lights, crashing disappointingly into other vehicles or taking a surprisingly un-thrilling jaunt up the wrong side of the road. This cuts into your income and it’s very hard to make money and have any fun. You also need to occasionally catch some shut-eye, which always means you’ll lose money for being late. And don’t think about having time off, the UK Truck driver eats road and sleeps truck, there is no escape.
In fairness the game looks functional and even has some cracking techno beats that occasionally kick in over the weak drone of your engine. If you truly want to experience what it’s like to ramble down some samey looking motorways for long stretches at a time then UKTS will certainly provide the goods, just don’t expect your heart rate to rise.
Clearly what this game suggests is that Excalibur need to publish a UK simulator MMO merging all of their previous games. Just imagine, one player uses Digger Simulator to dig some ore, then Fork Lift Truck simulator delivers it to the shipping yard where UKTS picks it up to meander along the motorway, Farming Sim ploughing away on some far green field, before Crane simulator picks up the Ore to ready it for its next stage (Tank Ship simulator please?). I can see it now, it’s glorious… hand me the paracetamol.
